Every night, if I am awake, and I’m always awake, I wish on eleven eleven. I wish for the same thing. Every night. I wish to be happy. I just want to be happy.
and I can tell you that without fearing it won’t come true because of the sad reality that happiness doesn’t exist but for sudden glimpses. As soon as you realize you have it, it’s gone.
One moment you’re in your worn, mismatched swimsuit sitting in the bathtub while your mom scrubs your hair free of itch and the next she’s telling you the limitations of her college supportiveness financially and personally. One moment the two of you are shopping at Target discussing the health benefits of almonds and the next she’s telling you that your moral compass doesn’t work. One moment she’s kicking the boys out of the living room so you can have a movie night and the next she’s telling you how naïve you are. One moment she’s casually bragging to a mechanic that you’re going to be a doctor someday and the next she’s telling you that you’ll never make it in the real world.
I always thought that when you love someone, it means unconditionally. Love doesn’t hiccup when people do. Love isn’t flaccid. If you can turn away your love, you didn’t really love to begin with. If you can hurt someone just to hurt them, it’s not love. The word is so loosely thrown about that it has lost its significance.
Maybe people are incapable of true love. Maybe humankind was made to hurt each other. Maybe I watch too much television and have false conceptions of reality.
this time I mean it, don’t you see? I found my inner lioness; I’ve found the perched bird in its nest. I am not afraid to roar or fly away. I’ll be gone soon, that I can promise you. What a sound and what a sight. I’m finally gonna get it just right.
